Write your own ceremony

If you’re getting married in a religious ceremony, there might be a limit to how much you can tweak and how many choices you have to create a truly personalized ceremony. If you’re lucky, the celebrant knows one or both of you really well and can sprinkle that in throughout. But if you’re not going this traditional route, you have the opportunity to write your own ceremony.

This might feel overwhelming and like a big no for some of you. In that case, find a celebrant who walks you through their process and does most of the heavy lifting themselves.

But if this is a big yes and sounds exciting to you, we want to make it a bit simpler by outlining the parts you might want to include. We’ll also provide some actual content ideas.

Even though we’re listing all the pretty typical parts of a personalized ceremony, you don’t have to include them. You could go completely unique and write your own ceremony without using any of this. But if you feel like you need a map, we’re here with one.

Pre-Ceremony considerations

It seems like a simple thing, but if you write your own ceremony make sure to think about the entire experience not just from your perspective but from the perspective of your guests. That means that while you’re in some other room getting last minute photos, making last minute preparations, and generally feeling excited and nervous, your guests are doing… what?

Do you want them to simply walk in and get seated? That’s a legitimate choice, of course.

How involved do you want them to feel? Do you want them to be observers or participants?

You could start, for example, with a small ritual when they walk in. Each could light a candle and carry it to a designated spot. Or they could each take one flower out of a basket and place that near where you’ll be standing (or they could simply hold it throughout the ceremony).

You could also consider having guests honor lost loved ones in some way before the ceremony. (Click that link for a piece we’ve written about just that subject.)

Giving your guests something to do can be so simple and not overcomplicated and it can add a beautiful sense of connection. (And here are other ways to include your guests.)

Write your own ceremony: the parts

You are telling a story. Think of that. This is a story about two people but also about the people around them. It’s a story of the past but also of the present and the future. What is your unique story? All the components of your personalized ceremony come out of an understanding of that.

And you open your story with…

The Procession

Writing your own ceremony is not just about the words. Like a play or narrative of any kind, you need to also consider the action — what’s happening and how and why.

How do you want to open this story? The way you process is an indicator of an overarching theme. Think of the weddings where people come dancing down the aisle as opposed to the dramatic organ and the father-daughter entrance. Those two vibes are very different.

What’s yours? Playful? Silly? Romantic? And in what ways can you indicate that?

Also, who do you want to include in this? Think about what would feel good to you… instead of just doing what other people have always done.

The Invocation

Everyone is finally settled where they need to be and now the actual ceremony can begin.

The invocation can be as simple as a welcoming with a short prayer, but it can be much more than that, too.

This is a great time to tell stories, to find some humor, to share more of you with all of your loved ones. You could even take some time to thank the people who have been there for you.

The celebrant is often doing a lot of the talking at this point, but again, you do you. Maybe each of you wants to do some sort of welcoming and opening.

This is a good section for some “readings.” This doesn’t have to be anything religious and it doesn’t even have to be done by the wedding party.

You could have the members of your immediate families stand and read short quotes, bits of your favorite books or movies, poetry… anything that says something about your relationship and where you’re headed.

The Declaration of Intent

This is just what it sounds like. The celebrant is announcing to all present that the two of you are there specifically with the intent to enter into a legally binding marriage.

In some states, this part of the ceremony is actually required, so check and make sure before you write your own ceremony (and make sure you’re covering any and all of the requirements of your specific location).

Personalized Ceremony: The Vows

Couples writing their own vows has become a regular meme level joke in a lot of TV and movies, but it can be truly wonderful and deeply meaningful to take on this task.

You could do both: You could have the celebrant do a questioning and “I will” sort of exchange with each of you. These, too, can be totally unique to you. Do you want to make sure the vow includes his funny kitchen dancing? Go for it.

Then you can each say your more personal vows to one another. Write them down on cards. Firstly, no need to stress out about remembering, and secondly, you’ll love that you have them to save.

The Rings and Other

Wedding rings are a very old tradition but that doesn’t mean you can’t approach them in a new way. Think again about the overall vibe of your wedding. If it’s playful, how can you bring that into this typically solemn moment?

Besides the rings, you could take some time to light a candle together or acknowledge loved ones no longer with you or do a binding. Any other rituals that feel important to you could be added here.

The Pronouncement & Recession

The celebrant will proclaim you married. (Usually stating something about the power vested in them by some legit authority, of course.)

And finally you get to be introduced as a wedded couple. There are a lot of ways you can do this. It can be simply saying “Let me introduce (and insert both first names or both first names with an agreed upon family name)!”

Do you immediately walk down the aisle to cheers and music? Maybe not. Maybe you invite everyone to stand and dance in celebration to a favorite song first. Maybe you just start hugging everyone. Again, what fits your story?

Write your own ceremony: final thoughts

Remember that the wedding is for you, but it’s also very much for your community. A lot of weddings can be, well, a little boring for the guests, and it doesn’t have to be that way if we remember that this is a community coming together to ritually acknowledge your relationship within the context of that larger community.

Keep that in mind when you’re writing your personalized ceremony. You aren’t just marrying one person. Each of you is expanding your circles of support and the people whom you will also support in return. Include them as much as you can, as much as is comfortable for you.

Your story is yours but not just yours.